Emily Yoffe Photo by Teresa Castracane.
Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited?transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here?to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie?s?Slate columns?here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Q. Friend Obsessed With My Baby: I had my daughter about six months ago. In my circle of friends I'm the only to have a baby, so needless to say she gets a lot of attention. One friend in particular seems to be a little obsessed with her, and it kind of freaks me and my husband out. She's constantly buying things for her, referring to herself as her godmother (she's not, my sister is, and she knows it). She asks for pictures of her throughout the day to help get her through work, and mentions that while she's looking for a new job she would never relocate because she wants to be near my daughter. And recently when she comes over, she asks if she can wear her in my baby carrier so people will think she's her child! I appreciate that she is so supportive of us, and I know most people find their childless friends grow absent once they have a baby, but this is just a little over the top. My husband and I nervously joke about her stealing her someday. Are we right to feel a little strange about my friend's attention? Or am I just being possessive and overprotective?
A: My immediate response was, "Time to move, leave no forwarding address, and change all of your names," so, no, I don't think you're overreacting. I'm hoping your friend's favorite movie is not The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. She's not being supportive, she's being obsessive, and she's giving me the willies. Put a stop to this now. Don't let her drop by, when she says she's the baby's "godmother" say, "No, you're not. My sister is." Refuse to let her wear the baby. Do not send her photos?in fact I think you should put her in one of those Facebook corrals that limits someone to just seeing your profile. You need to take the temperature of this situation and see if you feel comfortable explaining that she's suffocating you right now and she needs to back way off, or whether she's actually somewhat unbalanced and you just want to rapidly and firmly distance yourself. Do not be drawn into whiny conversations or tearful demands. You and your husband are freaked out, so act.
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Q. Come Clean or Not?: I've been married 10 years and have two kids, ages 7 and 5. My husband is a wonderful person and things are generally good between us. Several years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom and became very depressed. I began drinking during the day occasionally, then that progressed to drinking alone often, and hiding it from my husband. I felt terrible about it, but had trouble stopping. During that time I also was unfaithful to my husband, which was really out of character for me. In looking back, it feels like a complete breakdown of my character and mental health. I've stopped drinking and have ended the other relationship and things are getting better in life in general. Before that period in my life, I shared all my thoughts and feelings with my husband. I miss the emotional intimacy of feeling that we knew everything about each other, but I question if telling him about what I did would simply be for my own benefit (to get it off my conscience) but cause him unnecessary pain. Is it best to just move on and try to put it behind me or to confess and try to start over from a place of honesty?
A: You have given me a chance to reiterate my fervent belief in honesty?but. The but is about whether to confess an out-of-character transgression that's over and has not been repeated. The obvious reason to do so is as you state, making sure there is true openness and honesty in a relationship. The argument against is that it offers relief for the guilt-ridden but just transfers the mantle of pain to the innocent partner. I believe in the latter, and part of the penance of having violated one's marriage is living with the guilt of the violation and making sure it never happens again. You finally recognized how destructive your behavior was globally and stopped. I do think your husband should know just how serious your drinking had become so he can support you in your sobriety. But I don't see the purpose of hurting him so long after the fact with news of your infidelity.
I've given similar advice to other letter writers and have heard back from a few. One was a married man who had seen a dominatrix on the sly, satisfied his curiosity, and wondered if he should tell his wife. I said no, and he wrote back to me, "Thank you! You rock!" In another case, I counseled a woman who had had a brief fling to keep it from her husband. She decided to go the honesty route and it was her husband who wrote to me. He said he was grateful to his wife for coming clean. He explained her confession resulted in lot of tears, pain, and some trips to the therapist, but he felt his marriage would ultimately be stronger. So there you go. I personally feel life will provide plenty of tears and pain without ginning it up. I think the most important information in your letter is that you were a secret alcoholic. Don't hide that fact, because staying sober is crucial for yourself and your family.
Q. The Workplace: I am a rising junior in college who happens to be petite (I stand at a height of about 4-foot-8-inches). Growing up I lived in an inclusive community, so from second grade onward, I was seldom teased and as a result, being short statured never bothered me. That is until now. Being seen as someone younger than I actually am, I fear has the ability to jeopardize any internship or job prospects I may have in store. I aspire to obtain a master?s in Public Health or Health Management. I have the grades, the drive, and know I'll be capable of succeeding, yet I feel my height will continue to fuel insecurities I have even if I do land a coveted upper-echelon position because I don't look like a legitimate leader. I've opted for higher pumps but even then I still only stand at about 5 feet. Is there anything I can do?
A: This is going to be a lifelong issue for you, so sailing forth with confidence about your abilities, and not self-consciousness about your stature, is going to be key. One easy way to tackle your concerns is to address them as purely cosmetic issues. More than most people your age, you want to have a polished look that projects sophistication, but doesn't seem like you're trying to be Mom. So get a stylish haircut?lots of long hair will overwhelm you and project "girl." Go to a cosmetics counter and learn how a light but sure hand with make-up can make you look more adult. And find a personal shopper in the petite department who can help you put together the kind of professional (but still youthful) wardrobe you'd need in a workplace. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and see a young career person reflected back can help you shed the sense you aren't measuring up.
Q. Let's Play the Family Feud!: Several years ago my wife and my sister had a big blow-up. The long story short is that everyone had been drinking (except me; I was driving), my sister said something stupid, my wife called her a childish name, and my sister proceeded to verbally and then physically assault my wife (it wasn't quite to the point of calling the cops, but close). My wife cut off all contact with her from that point on. I supported her decision?first, because it was justified, and second, because my sister has always been a nasty bully. My side of the family is about to embark on a series of big family events and my sister and her family obviously will be at the celebrations. I feel I need to attend, and it seems cruel to leave the grandchildren at home. So far the compromise is that my wife will stay home alone, and I'm under strict instruction that the kids should have no contact with my sister. But with three small children, this is far from ideal and honestly I'm a bit concerned that showing up without my wife will raise enough questions that it will take some of the spotlight away from my parents. Should I just tell my parents that none of us can make it and we'll come later for a private celebration? Should I plead with my wife to just suck it up and attend?
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It’s a rare fall rainy day in Palo Alto and SAP Executive Board Member Dr. Vishal Sikka is as sick as a dog. It’s less than a week until SAP Sapphire in Madrid and the community around him are like a worrying family. I had told them that it is okay. I could make the trip another time. But they were insistent I make the trip. Fast forward to May. It has been several months since that cold rainy week in Palo Alto. We’re on the eve of the next Sapphire conference in Orlando this week. Last week, Plattner and Sikka held a press conference, announcing the new HANA Enterprise Cloud. HANA is an in-memory database that Sikka and Plattner developed with a team of about a dozen people around the world. SAP has built four data centers for HANA — two in Europe and two in the United States. It would not be an overstatement to say that HANA is SAP’s future, the first technology in a long time from the German giant that is getting buzz for what it can do. It potentially puts the company into play as a key developer platform for real-time analytics in the evolving world of technology spanning both consumer and the enterprise services that are the company’s legacy (and slightly stale bread and butter). The big question is can SAP show the world that HANA is a bona fide developer platform with visionary use cases and clear customer examples. Jon Reed?is a longtime SAP Mentor and expert about the company. He is a great sounding board, someone who talked me through a lot of this story. He has a lot of respect for Sikka and Plattner. But he is skeptical, too, as am I about HANA and its direction. The potential is without question. And Sikka shows signs he has that rare combination of intellectual curiosity, technology credibility and passion that makes for a great leader. And he’s a humanist. He is impassioned about the potential for cancer research with HANA as much as he sees SAP transforming from an inward looking business software company to one that is outward facing, used for research and predictive analytics. “It makes him a compelling figure,” Reed said. “You do get the sense that if the work is not purposeful, he won’t stick around.?He really does believe HANA and interrelated innovations can change the world.”